I find the newly changing colors that surround me quite comforting. Deep yellow. Rich brown. Soft, bold dark shades of red. Bright orange. My colors of comfort. And, as I gently close my eyes, I feel their different energies embrace me. The warmth of the brown and the joy of the yellow. A cool breeze lifts my quiet spirit as it moves the branch of a tree so the sun can offer me my first gentle hug of the day. Interesting how the things that I used to run past during my daily rat race, have become an intricate part of my daily survival plan. A plan that changes hour to hour, but, nonetheless, a plan. A slow and great inhale helps me keep it in the present moment. Suddenly it all becomes
exhausting to me now – momentarily the hard work does pay off – but it becomes short-lived as I drift off to another city. Another state. It’s been 4 long weeks since I was there. I am longing to sit next to him again, even if just for one full minute. Just sit. Just be. Quietly hold his hand for one minute. That is all that I ask for today. To me, his handsome pale blue eyes are still the same eyes of the young man who effortlessly ran next to me as he held on tight to my bright red bicycle and pushed me along on the big empty playground.
“You can do it Julie!” he yelled as he laughed…
But wait! I wasn’t ready! “Don’t let go Dad!”
But, suddenly, somehow, I did do it – I rode my bike for the first time with out the training wheels. My father running along next to me, happy, healthy. I could not have accomplished this awesome milestone with out my father’s assistance, encouragement and laughter. . .
Shockingly, his voice is now a shred of a painful ripped up unclear whisper. Just how sick is he? Is the daily radiation on his throat helping? Is the Chemo doing anything besides making him more sick? So thin. Too thin. We will not know till after 1 more Chemo and about 5 more radiation treatments. Then we wait and wait – but we wait in faith.
Acceptance. Acceptance. Acceptance.
In the mean time – I must manage my own health every moment and do the best I can to keep things in proper perspective. There are always blessings to count. I’ll be at his side soon enough – it will be perfect as all of God’s plans are. And we will just sit and be. My father is tough, ornery and determined. Everything is possible as long as I never give up -pray – and keep leaning on God.