I misplaced my heart in Tucson

I’ve missed writing immensely. I just have not been up to it. It’s not because I’ve been on vacation. It’s not because I’ve been too busy throwing dinner parties or something. And it sure isn’t because I’ve been out riding my bike. The reason I’ve missed writing immensely is, well, because I’ve missed me immensely. My life as I knew it – as well as the woman who lived it – seem to be long gone. Not just with my chronic health challenges. But at this moment, it is my truth, that as soon as my 85 year old father was diagnosed with his cancer, something shifted within myself as well. The shift happened deep with in my soul. And since I said goodbye to him the morning of February 20th, 2014, my heart has been missing – perhaps misplaced in Tucson somewhere.

What an amazing lesson I’ve learn as my life was turned upside down in a heartbeat – the greed of both of my father’s ex-wifes came gushing towards me.  Now, I’ve seen cheap. And I sure have seen frugal. But, greed? Never have I seen such a sight. It is quite unattractive in a person. I can see now why greed is included as one of The Seven Deadly Sins.

I’ve had to pull the plug on my dark thoughts quite often. And it sure can come out in my writing. Which is bringing me back to the beginning: I’ve missed writing immensely – it is just too dark to share.  And I miss my father so deeply that it’s completely unbearable. How do people do this? I do not know how they have gone before me, but for that I am grateful. Yes, I am grateful for every woman who has shown me that it is possible to continue living with out their father. I am sorry for anyone’s grief who has walked this path before me. For now I understand. For now I know.

It has been too long since I have felt good physically. No one really can actually know the depth of my health challenges – I believe the reason is that it is so personal. And because what I really need in a conversation is hard to come by – don’t give me unsolicited health advise – give me encouragement. And the only person who filled me with encouragement my whole life was my father. He was not perfect. But he never left me. He did not speak negatively of his ex-wife (my mother) when she walked out on us when I was a child – he gave me encouragement as he himself tried to do the things “the mom” is supposed to do.  He did not offer much advise unless I asked – but he sure did give me encouragement! Someone like that is hard to come by. I miss the lost art of encouraging words. I miss my father… I am grateful and honored that I got to be his voice. And I am grateful and honored that I’ve been given the opportunity to be in Tucson.

As for my heart, it is just misplaced, I’m sure I left it here somewhere. Soon, I will hear God’s voice directing me towards it. And just maybe, just perhaps, it will be better than it ever was before…

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Autumn Colors and My Father

 I find the newly changing colors that surround me quite comforting. Deep yellow. Rich brown. Soft, bold dark shades of red. Bright orange. My colors of comfort.  And, as I gently close my eyes, I feel their different energies embrace me. The warmth of the brown and the joy of the yellow.  A cool breeze lifts my quiet spirit as it moves the branch of a tree so the sun can offer me my first gentle hug of the day.  Interesting how the things that I used to run past during my daily rat race, have become an intricate part of my daily survival plan.  A plan that changes hour to hour, but, nonetheless, a plan.  A slow and great inhale helps me keep it in the present moment.  Suddenly it all becomes

 exhausting to me now – momentarily the hard work does pay off – but it becomes short-lived as I drift off to another city.  Another state.  It’s been 4 long weeks since I was there. I am longing to sit next to him again, even if just for one full minute.  Just sit.  Just be.  Quietly hold his hand for one minute.  That is all that I ask for today.  To me, his handsome pale blue eyes are still the same eyes of the young man who effortlessly ran next to me as he held on tight to my bright red bicycle and pushed me along on the big empty playground.

“You can do it Julie!” he yelled as he laughed…

But wait! I wasn’t ready!  “Don’t let go Dad!”

But, suddenly, somehow, I did do it – I rode my bike for the first time with out the training wheels.  My father running along next to me, happy, healthy.  I could not have accomplished this awesome milestone with out my father’s assistance, encouragement and laughter. . .

Shockingly, his voice is now a shred of a painful ripped up unclear whisper.  Just how sick is he?  Is the daily radiation on his throat helping?  Is the Chemo doing anything besides making him more sick?  So thin.  Too thin. We will not know till after 1 more Chemo and about 5 more radiation treatments.  Then we wait and wait – but we wait in faith.

Acceptance.  Acceptance.  Acceptance.

In the mean time – I must manage my own health every moment and do the best I can to keep things in proper perspective.  There are always blessings to count.  I’ll be at his side soon enough – it will be perfect as all of God’s plans are.  And we will just sit and be.  My father is tough, ornery and determined.  Everything is possible as long as I never give up -pray – and keep leaning on God.

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