Archive for the ‘Tucson’ Category
Posted in acceptance, Chronic Lyme Disease, co-infections, home, hope, parent, son, spiritual growth, Tucson, unemployment, tagged blessings, faith, family, fatigue, Gratitude, health, inspiration, surrender on April 9, 2017| 1 Comment »
I’ve missed writing immensely. I just have not been up to it. It’s not because I’ve been on vacation. It’s not because I’ve been too busy throwing dinner parties or something. And it sure isn’t because I’ve been out riding my bike. The reason I’ve missed writing immensely is, well, because I’ve missed me immensely. My life as I knew it – as well as the woman who lived it – seem to be long gone. Not just with my chronic health challenges. But at this moment, it is my truth, that as soon as my 85 year old father was diagnosed with his cancer, something shifted within myself as well. The shift happened deep with in my soul. And since I said goodbye to him the morning of February 20th, 2014, my heart has been missing – perhaps misplaced in Tucson somewhere.
What an amazing lesson I’ve learn as my life was turned upside down in a heartbeat – the greed of both of my father’s ex-wifes came gushing towards me. Now, I’ve seen cheap. And I sure have seen frugal. But, greed? Never have I seen such a sight. It is quite unattractive in a person. I can see now why greed is included as one of The Seven Deadly Sins.
I’ve had to pull the plug on my dark thoughts quite often. And it sure can come out in my writing. Which is bringing me back to the beginning: I’ve missed writing immensely – it is just too dark to share. And I miss my father so deeply that it’s completely unbearable. How do people do this? I do not know how they have gone before me, but for that I am grateful. Yes, I am grateful for every woman who has shown me that it is possible to continue living with out their father. I am sorry for anyone’s grief who has walked this path before me. For now I understand. For now I know.
It has been too long since I have felt good physically. No one really can actually know the depth of my health challenges – I believe the reason is that it is so personal. And because what I really need in a conversation is hard to come by – don’t give me unsolicited health advise – give me encouragement. And the only person who filled me with encouragement my whole life was my father. He was not perfect. But he never left me. He did not speak negatively of his ex-wife (my mother) when she walked out on us when I was a child – he gave me encouragement as he himself tried to do the things “the mom” is supposed to do. He did not offer much advise unless I asked – but he sure did give me encouragement! Someone like that is hard to come by. I miss the lost art of encouraging words. I miss my father… I am grateful and honored that I got to be his voice. And I am grateful and honored that I’ve been given the opportunity to be in Tucson.
As for my heart, it is just misplaced, I’m sure I left it here somewhere. Soon, I will hear God’s voice directing me towards it. And just maybe, just perhaps, it will be better than it ever was before…
Posted in Dad's throat cancer, Fibromyalgia, home, hope, pain, parent, sober, spiritual growth, Tucson, tagged alcoholism, blessings, Chemo, faith, family, fatigue, Gratitude, health, NaBloPoMo, recovery on November 5, 2013| 4 Comments »
Another long challenging day in Tucson, Arizona as we all try to do our best to care for my father. I’m hoping the explanation to his deep confusion is because of the many weeks of meds and no solid food. He did not feel this sick when he had the beginning stages of throat cancer. Now he is someone recovering from the damaging effects of chemo and radiation. What are our choices here? My father is 85 years old. Die because we have cancer? Or die because we are fighting cancer? Is it just a different journey with the same end result? But not being able to eat?! As for me, if I don’t eat I can not function. . .
I am mindful of my brief but lovely and blessed experience today when I went out side for some fresh air to take a moment. The air so pure it made me feel lighter. The clouds were putting on a magnificent show of many colors. With a motion of their own, both my arms stretched to the clouds. They longed to grab on and be carried away into the cold brisk clean air. What a freeing moment that would be. . .
Turning around I see the doors of the skilled living facility where my father is literally putting up a wicked fight to get his life back and get back home. In his rough of a whisper agonizing voice he speaks of his cat. The cat I am taking care of. The cat he misses that is inside of the home that he misses. . . Perhaps it was the clouds. Perhaps it was the wind. Perhaps it was because I felt a little cold. But I knew in that moment that this is not my sadness. This is not my struggle. This is not my day to be in a wheelchair fighting to stand up. All of this belongs to my father. My father the lifeguard. The swimmer at Michigan State. The original lover of dogs and cats. The Sierra Club leader. The tennis player. The single father during the late 60’s and 70’s. The guy telling a funny joke at the bar while he sips his beer. The golfer who loves the sport so much that he bought a home in Tucson with a view of a Golf Course. The guy who keeps trying with all his might to stand up from his wheel chair. He’s frustrated. Confused. The caregivers and nurses kindly ask him to “please sit back down”. They have to speak over the loud buzzing of the high-pitched bells. And all I am is the daughter who gets the honor of standing by his side and holding his frail arm and says, “I’m right here Dad, you stand untill you want to sit back down.” It was for quite a few more seconds, but he did it. I kneeled next to him looked up and I told him my truth, “Dad, I admire you.” And it was good. It was simple. It was empowering.
Tomorrow I get to do it all over again – except tomorrow – I’m going to bring his cat with me. Let’s change-up this journey a bit. . .