It is the beginning of a holiday weekend. Memorial Day weekend 2010. A reason to party. An excuse to drink. But not any more, not for me anyway. In the last 22 years, I never woke up in the morning and wished I drank the night before. I have lived the past 22 years as a sober single mother to my son. Today, I hold my head high. I stand up straight.
What happened and what I used to do, or not do, no longer defines the woman I have become today. When I write about my old days, it is as if I am speaking of someone else. And perhaps I am. I used to be incredibly uncomfortable not only with the memory of my behavior, but also what I thought of myself. Especially on August 1st, 1987. It was my worst day. It also happened to be my 30th birthday. It fell on a Sunday. So, just like the beginning of this holiday weekend, I granted myself my personal holiday weekend and used my 30th birthday as an excuse – a reason to party. A reason to numb my feelings. . . .
Please click on the “about” tab above to read about me and how I got here. More importantly I would love to hear from you. Single sober parenting can be hard! Heck – married not drinking parenting is hard too! It is not a coincidence that you found my sober single parent Blog. I understand the heartache, cravings, remorse, sleepless nights, anger, no help, fear and anxiety of divorce and getting sober when children are involved. We owe it to our children. They do not want to have drunk parents, even when they are not around. I lived it sober with my son. I highly recommend it, even though it can seem to be too much and overwhelming at times. When I first quit drinking, I suddenly became horribly claustrophobic. Elevators, the windows rolled up in my car, on an airplane – I’d suddenly have a hard time breathing and then become dizzy. Heart pounding out of my chest. I could not believe what was happening to me – until I learned it was my body reacting to life with out my coping skill of my beloved alcohol. (“That’s it. I’m crazy. I’m nuts.”, I’d say to myself). Even though it is a rough road, every bump along the way is bringing us closer to finding inner comfort. I am a late bloomer. I did not know that alkies must talk to alkies. Alcoholics talk about things differently and feel things differently than “normal” drinkers. We truly are mentally and bodily different from our fellows with our obsession of the mind and allergy of the body. Our delicate balance of mind, body and spirit. We are a colorful breed of Earth People! We are awesome! (And just a little eccentric). Small things effect our self-worth differently than our non-alkie friends. My experience in my 22 years sober is that certain things do not go as deep or last as long now. Sometimes, not drinking and admitting we are alcoholic is not easy! Now, combine this with being a single parent?!
I have found that the best medicine is to seek out another alcoholic, someone like us, and talk about it! You are not alone. Having a hard time being comfortable in your sober parent skin? Looking for a support group? (I understand it all – I’ve been there) Are you loving it? (I’ve been there too!) I still remind myself that I never woke up in the morning and wished I drank the night before. . . . . I will write again in a couple of days, I look forward to it, I hope you join me. . . . . .
peace and luv ~ jules