insomnia visits me again

Insomnia.  “Prolonged and abnormal sleeplessness”.  I’ve never believed in having a whole bad day – until yesterday.  I realize that it wasn’t what happened yesterday that made it a bad day.  It was the final result of my not realizing a few things happening physically for too long that made it a whole bad day.  But let me back up a little.  I have been suffering from horrible sleep deprivation.  Insomnia.  I’d say this has been going on for about 3 months now.  It has gotten to a point where my body is literally feeling sick.  Sleep deprivation is a bad thing for me as well as many of us Earth People.   Yesterday, on two separate occasions I received some bad news.   Upon receiving the 2nd round of bad news,  I suddenly lost control and starting crying and gasping for air in such a way that it made me feel faint.  Unable to stop crying or speak, I felt embarrassed as my  friend on the other end of the phone patiently waited for me to get my composure.  (I knew something was way out-ta-wack with me.)

Let me explain – I have known for over 22 years that alcoholism is a disease of  the “mind, body and spirit”.   Not sleeping well got me off-balance.   Along with obsession of the mind, along with the allergy of the body.  All I have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition.  . . .  Obsession?!  I have been writing and writing and writing on my book.  Being a foggy sleepy brain, I had set an incredibly unrealistic goal for myself.  I am unemployed, so felt it didn’t matter that I was having difficulty sleeping and I was staying up until 2, 3 or 4:30 in the morning.  I could not get to sleep at a reasonable hour.  I would start to feel anxious so I would hop out of bed and write all night. I had not noticed I was eating less, getting outside less, meditating less, praying less, talking to friends less.  Worry why I could not sleep. My disease truly is cunning, baffling and powerful.  The blanket of self loathing disguising  it’s self as it covered me with its dark warmth.

Even with long time sobriety, my disease of alcoholism lies to me (and I listen).  It is my daily “good” behavior that allows me to live in my daily reprieve.  Time off from alcoholic dispar.  Some days, sobriety is not for wimps.

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I had my very last drink – where?!

As I said,  I got divorced and sober in 1987.  I have never “re-married”, or, “re-drank” again.  However, it has been close a couple of times on both counts.  And what a ride it has been during these past 22 years!  To be exact, I got sober on August 2nd, 1987.  I had just had my 30th birthday the day before – August 1st.  I threw myself a big party.  I drank lots of champagne and did a few tequilla shots and then ended the night with a couple of beers.  (I think).  When I woke up in the morning on my 30th birthday (my 2 year old son was at his father’s home) I got out of bed, and with my horrible head pounding bumping into walls hang-over, I shuffled to the refrigerator and pulled out a cold beer.  As I found my way back to my bed, I felt as if I may faint or throw up. I slowly climbed back in my bed as I gently held the cold beer to my pale and warm cheek.   As I sat in bed, I then opened my beer and drank it.   That  hair of the dog made me feel better physically, but I was ashamed and disgusted with myself.  I hated living like this – this was not me.  It turned out that was my last drink.  A beer, in bed, alone, in the morning, on my 30th birthday.  (Geeze – is this a country song?)  I had no idea, that my life was my own fault, my own choice.  I had more power and strength than I ever knew, but somehow I had lost it along the way during my unhealthy marriage.   I had a long road of healing and learning in front of me.  But how does one “un-learn”?   Well – for starters – STOP DRINKING!  Find a support group!  In that moment on my 30th birthday as I sat in my bed with my now finished beer, I knew in my gut that I was finished drinking, it was finally over.  I felt my surrender.  And like other people in my family, I knew that I too was an alcoholic.  I tried so hard not to be one, but somehow I finally admitted down to my guts, that I was an alcoholic.  And with that admission of my disease of the mind, body and spirit, my journey of recovery began.   It took a long time to learn, that the joy is found in the journey.  Since then, I never woke up in the morning sober, and wished I drank the night before.

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IT’S 4:00am & I CAN’T SLEEP

I can’t sleep – again.  I am becoming quite concerned.  I do not remember the last time I was up this late, unable to sleep since I quit drinking over 22 years ago.  I don’t remember having experienced this not sleeping thing at such a high-anxiety level, ever.  I might as well be on neighborhood watch.  It is becoming extremely difficult to function during the day and turns out I am unable to nap also.   I received a short E mail from a friend today and I responded with a couple of my usual clever tidbits and then I added,  “I’m not sleeping”.      She wrote me back with one sentence, “Why can’t you sleep?”.  To which my reply was, “Writing my book.”  But actually, I don’t believe that it is the “writing” keeping me up, but the wake of thoughts  created by my time travel during my writing.  I can not calm my mind down.  It has been happening for a couple of months now and it is a big concern for me.  I waste a lot of time the next day trying to shake off the cob webs.  I am also unemployed.  I also miss my cat terribly.  I miss her so horribly that I do not dare speak to anyone about it for fear I will publicly burst into tears.  As if there could be more tears left.  My beautiful black cat named King died of old age when she was 16  years old, about 3 months ago on February 12th.  She was brave.  And no, I am not going to get another cat.  It is not quite that simple.  Not right now anyway. 

No matter how challenging a situation may be for me – I can still pray and pray – it helps my head point torwards a more positive direction.

It is also good to pray for our sons and daughters and our friends sons and daughters, when we can not sleep.

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My Worst Day – Is Now My Best Day

It is the beginning of a holiday weekend.  Memorial Day weekend 2010.  A reason to party.  An excuse to drink.  But not any more, not for me anyway.  In the last 22 years, I never woke up in the morning and wished I drank the night before.  I have lived the past 22 years as a sober single mother to my son.  Today, I hold my head high.  I stand up straight.

What happened and what I used to do, or not do, no longer defines the woman I have become today.  When I write about my old days, it is as if I am speaking of someone else.  And perhaps I am.  I used to be incredibly uncomfortable not only with the memory of my behavior, but also what I thought of myself.  Especially on August 1st, 1987.  It was my worst day.  It also happened to be my 30th birthday.  It fell on a Sunday.  So,  just like the beginning of this  holiday weekend, I granted myself my personal holiday weekend and used my 30th birthday as an excuse – a reason to party.  A reason to numb my feelings. . . .

 Please click on the “about” tab above to read about me and how I got here.   More importantly I would love to hear from you.  Single sober parenting can be hard!  Heck – married not drinking parenting is hard too!  It is not a coincidence that you found my sober single parent Blog.  I understand the heartache, cravings, remorse, sleepless nights, anger, no help, fear and anxiety of divorce and getting sober when children are involved.  We owe it to our children.  They do not want to have drunk parents, even when they are not around.  I lived it sober with my son.  I highly recommend it, even though it can seem to be too much and overwhelming at times.  When I first quit drinking, I suddenly became horribly claustrophobic.  Elevators, the windows rolled up in my car, on an airplane – I’d suddenly have a hard time breathing and then become dizzy.  Heart pounding out of my chest.  I could not believe what was happening to me – until I learned it was my body reacting to life with out my coping skill of  my beloved alcohol.  (“That’s it.  I’m crazy.  I’m nuts.”, I’d say to myself). Even though it is a rough road, every bump along the way is bringing us closer to finding inner comfort.  I am a late bloomer.  I did not know that alkies must talk to alkies.  Alcoholics talk about things differently and feel things differently than “normal” drinkers.  We truly are mentally and bodily different from our fellows with our obsession of the mind and allergy of the body.  Our delicate balance of mind, body and spirit.  We are a colorful breed of Earth People!  We are awesome!  (And just a little eccentric).  Small things effect our self-worth differently than our non-alkie friends.  My experience in my 22 years sober is that certain things do not go as deep or last as long now.  Sometimes, not drinking and admitting we are alcoholic is not easy!  Now, combine this with being a single parent?!

I have found that the best medicine is to seek out another alcoholic, someone like us, and talk about it!  You are not alone.  Having a hard time being comfortable in your sober parent skin?  Looking for a support group? (I understand it all – I’ve been there)  Are you loving it? (I’ve been there too!)  I still remind myself that I never woke up in the morning and wished I drank the night before.  . . . . I will write again in a couple of days, I look forward to it, I hope you join me. . . . . .

 peace and luv ~ jules

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