It has been many years since I woke up with a hangover. It’s amazing to recall how my self-defeating choices in my young life began to make more sence when I admitted to my innermost self that I am an alcoholic. I suffer from an allergy of the body and obsession of the mind. I could not start to get well until I knew in my heart that I am an alcoholic.
This is not so easy a task when it comes to my chronic intestinal pain and the endless discomfort that I have been living with. I’ve hit another dead end with another doctor. I feel like I’ve tried everything! How can I get strong and healthy again when I do not know what is the cause?
Last night I went through all of my old medical records, files , pictures and notes to prepare for my consultation with a new doctor tomorrow, Monday. An angel on earth heard that I am still unable to manage this pain and I rarely have enough extra energy to get out of my house. So she called me and offered to pick me up and drive me to her doctor. This doctor helped her when no one else could. I’ve been instructed to bring my medical records with me. Double checking that all my files are in correct order, I started to glance through the dates, years and endless tests – plus surgery in 2002. Sorting through my own paper trail like a detective put me back in overwhelming touch with my endless health challenges. This unsolved pile of papers had wrongly sentenced me to life in prison in my own home. Solitary confinement. No trial. No jury. No judge. I saw clearly last night that I was an innocent young woman who started doing prison time in my own body. This is inexcusable that I have been doing time for a health-crime that I did not commit nor witness. And I have not been physically able to have my freedom of choice for much too long of a time.
I’ve been angry, depressed, worn out and confused as I’ve been fighting this invisible foe. I know I am fighting something but I do not know just what yet. It is like being in a fight with The Invisible Man. I remember watching that TV show in black and white when I was a kid. My brother and I would watch in disbelief when someone would be in a fight, seemingly, all by himself, and then a chair or an ashtray would go flying across the room at him because the invisible man threw it. And that is not a fair fight. An unfair fight can get to be discouraging.
My physical discomfort woke me up again early this morning. It must have been that invisible man throwing something at my gut – I do not see how or why this could happen for months on end.
I woke up and started fighting to get my life back. Angry that I did not have energy to ride my bike. Frustrated every time I was not up to answering my phone for fear of having a melt down on who ever was calling because they would hear the physical pain in my voice. I can not have another conversation about my weary body and foggy brain when asked about it. My old life was full of activities – yoga class, long boarding, BBQ’s with friends, roller skating and bike riding at the beach. Power walks. Rarely sitting still. A full life with a lot of passion for living. Dinner parties, movies, concerts, travel and learning. I am always in a relationship or out with friends – not now though – I have nothing to offer. I am too tired.
My goodness, I was in great self-pity last night. I was able to see that I can make my not feeling well even worse by focusing on what I can not do. I was able to kindly tell myself – enough now – it is time to focus on what I can do today. Not focus on what I can not do anymore. Surrender to the present. Surrender to the moment. Focus on what I can do.
Not only do I get to start fresh with a new doctor, but it will be a new set of eyes to look at my medical history. He could be the one to help me. It could happen. Plus I will be with a childhood friend who offered to go out of her way to help, she made the appointment, she is driving me – all this is bringing my hope back. I have no room for self-pity. It is so unattractive!
I will focus on what I am able to do. And I will stop thinking about what I miss from my old life. I am in the midst of a powerful and painful learning experience. My spirit is much more comfortable in my pain when I surrender to what I can do and focus on what I am grateful for. Perhaps it is a good thing to know I am finding out just who I am and just how strong I really can be. Surrounding myself with peace, support and love is a good thing – no matter what.