I had another procedure done by my doctor 6 days ago. The “no food and no liquids” thing before hand depleted my already depleted system. It was too much for me, I’ve nothing left. Too many endless days and months not being 100%. Isolation. I am incredibly grateful that my dear friend was there with me the whole time. I could not have made it without her that day. We’ve been friends for over 30 years. I’ve learned that she is a friend who is there for me in sickness and in health. That is so nice to know. It has been extra rough getting through each day one hour at a time.
I literally had forgotten that during this procedure my doctor did 4 biopsies on my stomach and intestine – I’ll be hearing about the results in a couple days. Oddly, I don’t care about that. My focus is on finding the energy in every present moment, to be able to prepare food, think positive thoughts, keep negative thoughts away, finally shower, move forward.
Yes, I am still at home. It feels empty. Happiness is outside, especially tonight, it’s Halloween. I remember I was home in bed feeling horrible last Halloween as well. I have been living like this for so long that I am starting to not even know who I am becoming. Who am I when I force myself to go on an errand after being home for a few days. Impatient. Grumpy. Overly sarcastic. I feel the heaviness of nonstop illness changing me. I do not cry, yet my tears keep falling.
My day dreams of riding my bike again and walking the trails again are diminishing. Driving to the beach jumping in the ocean. A dinner date followed by holding hands in the movie theater. All a part of my old life. I want to show up to dinner parties that I’ve been invited to. Showing up was my old life. In my new life I want to, but I’m unable to. I have had quite enough of this “still not feeling better” person. It is inexcusable that I have been sick this long. I’ve never stopped trying to find a solution to this intestinal pain – but it is too much now. Weights have been tied to my arms and legs. My spirit is becoming heavy.
Have I been overly positive? Am I overly hopeful? It is time to surrender. I have overly hoped my way into denial. I must admit that perhaps I just might not be better by tomorrow as I always hoped. What has kept me going for months and months is honestly believing that I’ll be better tomorrow and I’ll get to live the life I choose for myself starting tomorrow. I now see a different truth.
And just like a glob of butter on a hot skillet – I had a meltdown. I was long over due.
I do keep reminding myself that I have everything I need. What I needed 6 days ago was my girlfriend I’ve known for 30 years. She was with me the whole day to take care of me. And when I came out of the sedation when the procedure was over, I opened my eyes and my whole body hurt terribly – but there she was sitting next to my hospital bed – and she gently held my hand. Much better than a date holding my hand in a movie theater. All of that other stuff I long for will still be there waiting for me. I had what I needed. One of the biggest blessings to have in life – a dear forever friend who held my hand when I was in great pain.