It’s been a long week. There is so much going on right now. During the last 2 weeks my attitude towards my health challenges has actually been ok. I continue to make every attempt to regain my vibrant health.
But until the moment – as I sit in a small room and wait in this moment – anxiety has come back to haunt me. My stomach is out of control with flip flopping bad butterflies. I am nearly too embarrassed to speak of it. What the heck?! Anxiety with a dash of closterphobia thrown in for a little flavor. What’s this all about? That makes me angry. Great, now I’m angry too. I’m feeling worried as I sit here alone. Perhaps my worry is causing my anxiety. And worry is fear of the unknown. Sometimes I can calm myself down by thinking of the words and their meaning. It helps me take my too-many-feelings by the reigns and allow myself to not focus so intensely on my great emotional discomfort (mental or physical uneasiness). Aside from double checking my spelling, sometimes looking up a word in my old-fashioned dictionary helps me figure out what the heck I am feeling. Let’s see what we’ve accumulated here in just a few nano-seconds: Anxiety. Embarrassment. Claustrophobia. Anger. Worry. Fear. More specifically – fear of the unknown. And where am I? Why, the doctor’s office of course, sitting with as many feelings as there are bones in my body. Waiting. . . with too many feelings.
It is easy to blame someone else and whisper that they are an arss or a beeotch. But how spiritual is that? How does that help me become the best person I can possible be? Ok then, why am I irritated with someone? What is up with this technician?! Can’t I just simply say, “that hurt my feelings when you (stupidly) said that”? Or as my cat likes to say, “that hurt my feline when you said that.” My anxiety comes from my fear, which is an unpleasant and often strong emotion caused by expectation.
The last 2 days have been rough since I sat in that room – I have more waiting ahead of me. Not getting enough sleep. I was afraid I had a set back – but maybe it is just living with chronic pain, good days and not so good days. I have learned and accepted that the simpler my life the better. I feel confident with my choices and see no need to change anything. All I need is encouragement – which as you know is hard to find – except from myself of course. I have my moments of course. Then I remember to give myself all the encouragement I need. And how ’bout a little love? All I need is love too. Encouragement is an expression of love. As I said, good moments and not so good moments. However, as I was sitting in a bit of a funk . . . my front doorbell rang! A box was delivered to me. I was speechless as I unwrapped a beautifully hand painted gift just for me.
It was from my lovely talented friend Max. When we were in 2nd grade, he sat behind me. He used to draw pictures on all of his papers. His surprise heartfelt gift instills me with encouragement, faith, friendship and love. It is a painting of my favorite flower. The Iris. My cat I had in high school that I named Iris. (aka Ira) It is a long story that Max knows and I will write about it some day when I am up to it . . . but until then . . . just please know that the Iris is my flower of sobriety. . . So where was my faith? My faith is complete trust. Complete strength. I locked in once more with my faith. It does waiver from time to time. I’m human. But I have noticed, when I ask my faith to revisit . . . *poof* . . . and all the other feelings of discomfort vanish – just like a royal flush beats a full house.
So, if you find your house full of: Anxiety. Embarrassment. Claustrophobia. Anger. Worry. Fear. Remember to play your personal royal flush faith card. It beats a house full of uninvited feelings every time.