I seem to be on an incredibly long long long stretch of road for a while now. My life has become quite simple with in my small comfort zone close to home. As I keep on with this endless job search – which I now laughingly refer to as an interview search – it is still quite hard for me to hide my beloved sarcasm when ever a well meaning friend asks:
“Hey Julie? Have you found a job yet?”
“Gosh?! Have you heard me say I’ve even gotten an interview lately?” For crying out loud. . .
Feeling the feelings – ah yes. I highly recommend it, unless of course you might happen to be a complete and total wimp. Perhaps I don’t sound all lovey-dovey about it, but I am serious when I say, sobriety is not for wimps. It takes courage to stop drinking. Repeat after me: “Sobriety is not for wimps”. I haven’t been particularly fond of my feelings for quite sometime now. I am not happy, but no, the thing is, I am not totally depressed either. Well then, what am I? Perhaps a bit blue for a long long long time. (do I hear violins in the back ground?) Two things have been dramatically different in my life for quite some time now:
1) unemployed and looking for a job in the on-line world
2) my son grew up and no longer lives with me
Mommy is getting LOTS of alone time now. I’ve realized that working full-time while being a mom full-time forces one to know just about every one in their community. But now I spend a lot of time at home in my new community and on the internet or writing my book or being entertained by my 10 month old kitten who by the way, has the loudest purr I’ve ever heard in my life. It’s like she has Bose speakers on each side of her neck. So yes, I spend a huge amount of time alone. Even though I am not extremely happy, I am not extremely depressed either. I have faith all will fall into place in God’s perfect timing – nonetheless – I am a bit blue. But I am not a wimp, so I get to feel the feelings and stand by and wait and see what will be revealed in my future. I was on an errand the other day and I became surprisingly saddened as I drove past another small business that had to close down in my community. With the closing of their doors for the last time, their bright business sign suddenly became their own tombstone, “Here lies Jones Hardware Store. He put up a good fight.” And then I envision all the employees spilling into the street walking like Frankenstein as they too join me in the job search.
Now for me to get to “dramatically different thing” number 2. I’ll never forget the years of daily tight scheduling with a child and working full-time – I remember the days of a younger Tyler – with his soccer, his band practice (he plays bass) tons of homework, endless tests AND his going back and forth to his father’s house every other weekend PLUS when I was taking classes at the College to get my Gerontology Certificate and Tyler teaching me how to use the computer for MY papers for school. And taking late lunches at work so I could pick Tyler up after school and take him to a friends or after school activity, while eating my lunch in my car, and dropping him off and then driving back to work. Tah-Dah! It’s Super Mom! The amazing thing is (speaking of Mother’s Day) I would do it all over again and just the same too. As much as I love my son being 25 and he is someone I admire, I miss the ol’ days when I got to see him every day. I swear, I did not want to let go of him when we hugged goodbye on Mother’s Day. But I did, and I told him I was proud of him and I love him. It’s all good, special and real. My cup runneth over with all the blessings that has come along with Tyler and being his sober mother. My son gave me the most beautiful Mother’s Day card ever made in the universe – thanking me not only for all I did for him when he was little, but for being there for him even after he was on his own since he has been an adult, and that I am someone he knows he can count on forever. . . . yes, he is 25 years old now and I had my last drink when he was only one year old. I raised him sober. I am not a wimp. I was not afraid to ask for help when I needed it. And I can listen to the blues and not want a drink too.