To truly discover and understand who I am, plus seeing my emotions clearly and where they honestly are coming from, is the greatest gift of all in my recovery. Comfort during this process can be difficult to find. I have worked persistently to find my way and to come to terms with who I am and what works for me for many years in a row. But just a short while ago, I was feeling overwhelmed from my emotions. It was about the mom part of me. The good news is, not only do such feelings of discomfort pass more quickly now, I do not act on them in a negative way. I want to be the person that God intends me to be. Somebody has to be Julie, so, it might as well be me. Being a sober and present mother has been more important to me than anything else. read my post: Happy Day of Birth Son As my son grew up, I discovered if I truly wanted to stay on my intended path, then I should first do what was best for my son, then easily and magically, what was best for me would follow and easily fall into place. Through the years, I found great joy in explaining and teaching various situations to my son, such as – follow your intuition, alcoholism runs in the family, believe in your heart, be honest, speak up for yourself and be polite but set boundaries. I believe I’ve been a good listener and we have always had a connection – I did work to keep it that way – I have written for years in journals during my recovery. It helps me see more clearly and release excess stuff I don’t need to be hanging on to, such as the power of sadness and resentments. With all of that being said, back to why I was feeling overwhelmed from my emotions a while ago. I can be sensitive, I admit it. The good news is I know when it is about me. I am responsible for my own feelings and comfort level.
Tomorrow is a big day! My son has been dating his same lovely girlfriend for almost 7 years. They are kind and good to each other, as well as to me. Tomorrow, for the very first time, my son and his girlfriend are moving in together – after 7 years of solid dating. This is great news! Also, about 2 years ago he gave her a gorgeous diamond promise ring. So here is what left me feeling sensitive and a little left out today –
I sent my son a short text message and offered to help him out at his “old” place or just stop by and bring breakfast or something before he moves out and goes to move into their new place. My son text back to me, “I appreciate the offer Mom, but I’m trying to get out of there ASAP. You can visit the new place in a couple of weeks when it is looking nice.”
My sensitive mother’s heart sank! I felt disappointed. I started to think, (but did not ask) “what about her parents? Is my ex-husband going to be there so I have to wait my turn? . . . Geeze. No. No. Stop it.” And my thoughts did hit the brakes. And with that mindful pause –
I wrote back (and I meant it) “Ok – I am excited for you and I love the two of you. Enjoy every moment! xo Mom”
And that was it. Mental recap: I offered. I was politely declined. I was invited at a later time. It hurt my overly sensitive mother feelings because I want to see him tomorrow, on the “big day”, not later . . . . He has grown up so fast. He is a man with responsibilities of his own. Did I raise him too well?! Son doesn’t need a big ol’ hug from Mom before he moves in with his girlfriend? Is my work finished here? Son always changes first, then Mom has to figure out what happened. When did it happen and now what do I do to adjust accordingly so I can honor who he is becoming and to let him grow and be confident. . . . We have always been respectful to each other. He is 25 and he has dodged the alkie bullet. Didn’t I raise him to set boundaries and be a gentleman and follow his heart? Yes. The recovery here for me, is that I did not push it. Acceptance. Let it go. Son knows what works for he and his girlfriend during this big move. I meant it when I wrote that I am excited for them AND I found my answer immediately as to why I was feeling off-balance. The discomfort comes before the change. Change is good! Sometimes doing what is right, doesn’t always feel right, at first. I am proud of my son. I’ll see them in a couple of weeks. Until then, I have many things to do in my own life. And I am looking forward to my own new chapter. Good experiences are around every corner just waiting to be discovered. More importantly, I have no regrets. I have no guilt. My son never came home to a drunk mother. I was always there for him. He has grown into a well-adjusted young man. I have broken the link in the chain of the family disease of alcoholism. My son and I are both quite blessed. And the joyful times out weigh the sad times. And regarding my son’s “big move into the new place with his girlfriend” day – I’ve decided to do nothing – doing nothing is doing something.