Quite a while before I finally got sober, I wondered for a long time if I could really be an alcoholic or not. What if I made a mistake?! What if it turned out I wasn’t? Unfortunately, one day I discovered that people who are not alcoholic, do not wonder if they really are or not. I did not want to be an alcoholic. If I was, what would I do after work? What would I do when I went to the beach?! What would I do when I cleaned my home? What would I do when I went out dancing?! What would I do when I went to the laundry mat?! What if I made a mistake? This was on my mind a lot, for a long time. Little did I know, that all of this thinking was really called “alcoholic thinking”. A normal drinker does not think like this. Many mornings as I woke up to start another day, I’d stay in bed, then it would begin – I could hear my head talk to my guts, and my guts would gurgle something back to my head. I felt the negativity wanting to take over the conversation. I had constant battles. Battles between my thoughts. A race to the finish line which creates my attitude for that day once more. Positive thoughts racing negative thoughts – from the darkness of the universe directly to my mind and setting my attitude for another day. Which will win? Which will reach my attitude for the day first? Like opposing ends of the same battery I used to put in my son’s Christmas toys so long ago. Positive and negative racing through my mind. The familiar black and white checkered flag waves for the last lap. The race is over, but which side won? No. No. No winner. No loser. Through the years my mind had learned how to gracefully surrender first thing in the morning. The black squares on the checkered flag vanished before me – leaving a pure white flag in its place. Thankfully a white flag waves in the distance of my weary mind and body. “I surrender”. I choose to wave my own white flag. Surrender. No loser. No race. No war. Just a sweet surrender. I surrender to win. I stop fighting. Beautiful surrender to the acceptance that I am an alcoholic, even if other people are not alcoholic, I need to know just who I am. This is my true path. A surrender is a good way to start the day. I am in the moment because I wave my white flag of freedom and surrender. I did not wake up in the morning and wish I drank the night before. I get to wake up with a grateful heart. I clearly see in the moment I not only surrendered years ago, but I must continue to surrender to win the race every morning. I get to continue to have a beautiful life when I cease fighting. And when I am on my true path, hopefully I get the opportunity to help others who are just taking the first step on their new path. We do this together. And I am looking forward to many new blessings in 2011.