How can every morning be a new beginning if I feel the same every morning? Is each day really a new beginning if every morning when I wake up, I feel heaviness as if a wet dark blanket has been tossed on top of me? Not yet lifting my exhausted head from my concave pillow, I look above me and as my vision adjusts I can actually see the thin thread by which I am hanging on ever so tightly. Looks like I did not lose my grip through the long endless night. I decided to use my thin thread to slowly pull myself up out of bed as the dark wet blanket inched its way off of me and landed in a heavy soggy pile at the foot of my bed. I felt drawn to the light coming in through the blinds covering my sliding glass door. I stepped out on my balcony as the brisk morning air greeted me. The sky had a different pink color in the morning clouds, yet the trees looked quite dark. I must have woken up earlier than usual this morning. An unusually cold breeze passed through me as I stood there in my flannel jammies and shivered. It has been a challenging time – both my faith and energy wavering. Still unemployed. Still doing the best I can to stay afloat in the quicksand of the economy. So many others just like me are unemployed. Yet, there are times I feel like I have somehow shot myself in the foot. I am becoming incredibly humbled. I keep watching every hour pass me by. I told myself I’d leave the house, I didn’t want to. I don’t want to eat, but I do. I don’t want to go to the EDD job site again, but I do. I don’t want to get dressed and put make up on, but I do. I get in my car and I drive to a shop that I saw on line was hiring, I think perhaps I could apply for the holidays. I walk around trying to see how my heart feels. To be honest, my heart feels heavy and the talkative vivacious part of me is nowhere to be found. Yes, I am still unemployed, and today I am feeling a bit looser-ish. I decide to go back home. I pushed myself to the limit as I decided to water the plants on the patio, take out the trash and then vacuumed. I collapsed on my bed. And that was it. Another day. Maybe I just wasn’t feeling well. I wasn’t sure. I was thinking about a couple of friends of mine that I’ve known since we were kids. Should I tell them that the over 9 months of unemployment and not feeling very well is really starting to get to me. Should I tell them? Is this self-centered of me? Would this make me someone who is complaining? I know there are so many others. I decide to wait and think on this. Who do I reach out to now? Who do I trust? I went back outside and once more the fresh air caught my attention. For a moment I was noticing what was all around me. Not far in front of me to my future. I was able to pause. Enjoy the moment and stop thinking so much.
And that is when it happened. Just like that! I met a miracle, and my goodness it was certainly worth the wait! And just for now, I’d like to keep that miracle to my self. Trust me, it is a huge unexpected miracle that was bestowed on me tonight. It happened at the moment I stopped thinking so much of myself. A dear friend was more incredibly aware and in tuned to me and my situation than I ever realized. A friend. A friend who sees me, a friend who was there, a friend who helped me in such a way that I am speechless. Grateful. Quieted by her act of kindness. I felt encouragement and most of all I felt she believed in me. Yes, it has been difficult to keep moving forward everyday, but even if it is ungraceful, I am moving. I am honest. I am making an effort. And I have a dear friend who is rooting for me and has not left my side.
I never met a miracle that wasn’t worth the wait.