3 days at home had passed again from my recurring exhaustion and I knew that it was time to get out of the house, even if for a short while. I do not allow sadness to last too long in my head as I remind myself of the blessings in my life . . . As always, I do remain hopeful, however, even with the worst of it being over now, my full recovery from insomnia and sleep deprivation has been painfully slow. Painfully. Slow. I try to be kind to myself knowing my body and mind has been through a lot. . . On one such day, I forced myself to finally get out of the house at the end of the day. I was starting to think that if I didn’t get out of the house, my mind would try to convince me that I am a real loser. (which, of course, we all know that I am not!!) I used all my mental and physical strength as if I was Meriwether Lewis about to set forth through the unknown wilderness, “Proceed on!” I said out loud. With no plan in mind, I found myself at the bright and new outdoor mall down the street from where I live. As I slowly strolled past the new small shops, a pond caught my eye. I sat down (and rested) on the small wall surrounding this pond. The sun was setting, but I could feel the heat of the day from the rock wall. As I sat, the warmth relaxed my entire body and soul. As I accepted the comfort, I heard myself exhale a big sigh. (Like one of those “cleansing breath” exercises that they make you do in a Yoga class.) My sigh was an automatic reaction. I sat. I was still. I was comfortable. I took in everything around me. Children walking around the pond giggling, soft music, couples walking by holding hands, while others were sitting in the lovely lawn furniture eating cold soft yogurt. The situation, even though quite simple, struck me loud and clear – life was in session and I was sitting comfortably smack dab in the middle of it. A part of it! Feeling the joy and comfort of it. A change came over me as I started to feel my weary spirit slightly lift. . . . A movement under the water – a large speckled Koi drifted by and I tried to take a picture of it with my blackberry. That’s when I saw the vibrant blue Lotus flower next to me in the water. I almost missed it. I didn’t notice it before. I could not stop staring at its unique beauty as it sat blooming in the water – its roots below sinking into the dark mud. How could something so beautiful grow out of mud and in the darkness at the bottom of the pond? It was in full bloom exposing it’s clean, vibrant and colorful petals to the sun. So symbolic for rebirth. Like the lotus flower, the human spirit truly can bloom in any circumstance. Undaunted. Not to be discouraged unless we allow it and listen to the negativity. It is a challenging time for many people in this economy. No one goes unscathed. I’m unemployed for the first time in my life, just getting past insomnia and all with being an incredibly sensitive alcoholic. I know so many people recovering from one thing or another. That is why it is important to create as many good times as possible so they out weigh the bad times. And as easy as it was, sitting on that wall around the pond, ended up being a simple, yet good and positive moment, where I realized that it had been too many days since I felt so connected, so comfortable. And for that, I thank the lotus flower and the koi.
(only 5 more days until I have 23 years without a drink. I am quieted by the miracle.)