I’m back from the living sleepless! I am looking forward to seeing what will unfold as this odd and difficult journey and chapter of insomnia comes to a grateful close. I did have a day or so that I could tolerate it, but, it’s been a long haul. I am still recovering, my goodness, my body and brain being so worn out. Even unable to drive my car for a while during my sleepless nights and foggy days. Pleased to be in the solution. I have learned first hand that I can not go very long without enough sleep! I can last longer without food, without sunshine, even without love. I do not know why yet, but it looks like I have been in an uncomfortable time of growth during this season. Another internal, emotional remodeling. The road does get more narrow. Ok, ok! What’s the lesson?! I am morphing! (But in a good way).
During this time when I find 30 minutes of strength here and there, I’ve had a project – going through my many old boxes and old files. My “treasure boxes”. I am a saver. I am a “sentimental fool”. I know when a present moment is full of blessings, and I grab it. I cherish moments. To me, such souvenirs of my life represent a powerful time travel as I sit in the present and literally touch the past. The happy past. My treasure boxes hold many items. Birthday cards. Mother’s Day cards. Valentine’s Day cards from friends and lovers. Airline boarding passes. Ticket stubs from movies, plays and operas. Not to mention tons of pictures of a much younger me with friends throughout the years. More boxes of my young son’s art work, his tiny hand print, papers from pre-school with the heartfelt efforts of the alphabet written with a crayon. School papers and tests. Beautiful cards from my son during his last 25 years. A gift for no reason from him – beautiful roses now dried and hanging upside down on my wall. A special and unique shell found on the beach while on vacation in Florida 3 years ago that he gave me sits on my bathroom sink. Fond, sweet, joyful and fun memories. But out of all my treasures, one of my favorites is Tyler’s first drawing of a stick person. Mind you – my son was about 3 years old and I was still in the middle of emotional struggles with the divorce of his father. What was frustrating was that even though the divorce was officially final, his father often would not pick up Tyler at the agreed times. I was working full time and had no family close by to help, yep, frustrating to say the least. Tyler spent every other weekend at his dad’s house. I had learned early on, that I could only do my part and be a good and reliable mom. So, with that being said, what is extra nice about this stick person drawing that I felt compelled to share with you, is that he is smiling so big, that he is actually poking himself in the eye! Can you imagine? Check it out closely! Have you ever smiled so big a smile that you poke yourself in your own eye?! Now that’s a big happy smile!
Another thing I found in my time travel box, was an envelope with some love letters inside of it. I slowly opened the first one up with a cautious gentleness – as if it might crumble in my hands. It was one of the most heart-felt, beautiful honest love letters I have ever read. And it was written to me. He was in love with me. We were in love. 5 love letters, for me. I could hear his voice again as I read his words, he felt “our souls were connected” and his “unexplainable level of comfort he felt with me”. Big fat tears welled up in my eyes. The honesty so loud and pure that I could feel him right next to me – his breath on my neck. After I finished reading the love letters I paused. Feeling so many feelings again. Reminiscing of our “love at first sight” at that restaurant. Days at the beach waiting for dolphins. Sunsets. Dinners. First kiss. Weekend get-aways. Long phone calls. A vacation adventure to Hawaii. A once in a life time journey exploring Costa Rica where I also learned he spoke fluent Spanish. Hiking in the Rain Forest when there was a wild earth quake. Fun weekends with laughter. We were so connected, even our hair color was exactly the same and quite often when we were out and about someone would look at us and say, “Are you two related? Or What?!” But that was all so long ago. And I remembered the ending of that relationship. Through time, something started to change. And he had grown into a “coward of love” and vanished from my life for a long torturous month. I felt foolishly devastated as I tried my best to hide it from my son. The details are unnecessary now. More importantly, I have evolved as a woman today and now I only invite individuals into my life who are consistently loving, supportive, reliable and present. No matter how many years I stay sober, I am still incredibly sensitive. It is who I am. But it was my long slow lesson during those years in my past, and I would not, do not, allow it in my life today. I am almost embarrassed to remember the deep sadness. He knew of my family history. He knew this would be my greatest hurt – my deepest issue. The not knowing. But while the pain was all-encompassing – so was my lesson. As I look back, I can say he became my greatest teacher. He did come by my house about a month later and I told him what he did was unacceptable – among many other things! He seemed more upset and confused than I was as his tears ran down his cheeks. I had no more tears to give away. Such a mystery as he left my house shortly after. I believed in my heart that he would be back in a day or two – I was wrong – I’ve never seen him since. Oddly he still called approximately 3 times a year until I finally realized he would never give me 100% of the soul he claimed was connected to mine. I FINALLY yelled at him, “You give me no choice, this must stop! This is over and I do not want you in my life in any way on any level!” I am a slow learner. But I want to believe the best in people. However, I had become my authentic self. I stopped participating. It was over. . . . . As I looked down at the most beautiful love letters I had ever received, I quietly, slowly, started to gently rip the letter I was holding in half. I picked up the other letters as well and ripped them slowly, carefully. Over and over. Smaller and smaller. I became engulfed in an unfimiliar wave of a deep and prickly chill that moved through my entire body. It started from my scalp and it slowly moved down to the soles of my feet. One time, one motion. At that moment I believe that he was correct in his letter, that our souls were connected, and at that moment I had finally officially broken our connection. I did not realize I had unfinished business with my heart. He had been in and out of my life (mostly out) for the past 14 years. Enough. Enough now. In awe, I watched the tiny pieces of his shredded words flutter down onto the floor as if they were small white butterflies. It felt good. I instinctively knew that at the same moment that he was feeling that same prickly chill that I did. It made him feel uncomfortable – but he didn’t know why. As for me, I felt an odd beautiful 3 dimensional freedom – and I did know why. The letters are gone and he is finally gone as well. But what I do have is a unique stick figure drawing with a smile so big and happy that it touches his own eye. It was drawn by a gifted and incredible artist. Now that’s a keeper.