Insomnia. “Prolonged and abnormal sleeplessness”. I’ve never believed in having a whole bad day – until yesterday. I realize that it wasn’t what happened yesterday that made it a bad day. It was the final result of my not realizing a few things happening physically for too long that made it a whole bad day. But let me back up a little. I have been suffering from horrible sleep deprivation. Insomnia. I’d say this has been going on for about 3 months now. It has gotten to a point where my body is literally feeling sick. Sleep deprivation is a bad thing for me as well as many of us Earth People. Yesterday, on two separate occasions I received some bad news. Upon receiving the 2nd round of bad news, I suddenly lost control and starting crying and gasping for air in such a way that it made me feel faint. Unable to stop crying or speak, I felt embarrassed as my friend on the other end of the phone patiently waited for me to get my composure. (I knew something was way out-ta-wack with me.)
Let me explain – I have known for over 22 years that alcoholism is a disease of the “mind, body and spirit”. Not sleeping well got me off-balance. Along with obsession of the mind, along with the allergy of the body. All I have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. . . . Obsession?! I have been writing and writing and writing on my book. Being a foggy sleepy brain, I had set an incredibly unrealistic goal for myself. I am unemployed, so felt it didn’t matter that I was having difficulty sleeping and I was staying up until 2, 3 or 4:30 in the morning. I could not get to sleep at a reasonable hour. I would start to feel anxious so I would hop out of bed and write all night. I had not noticed I was eating less, getting outside less, meditating less, praying less, talking to friends less. Worry why I could not sleep. My disease truly is cunning, baffling and powerful. The blanket of self loathing disguising it’s self as it covered me with its dark warmth.
Even with long time sobriety, my disease of alcoholism lies to me (and I listen). It is my daily “good” behavior that allows me to live in my daily reprieve. Time off from alcoholic dispar. Some days, sobriety is not for wimps.