My Choices are Endless.

Last night it was my intention to shower before bed. My body begged to rest for a moment, knowing that showers are quite a work out. Not recognizing the heaviness of my daily fatigue and exhaustion, I had fallen asleep…

Early this morning I woke up on top of my bed, cold, in my robe, with the throw blanket over me and Grace sound asleep at the foot of my bed. Knowing she can be my personal feline heating pad, ever so slowly I moved my toes towards her and gently tucked them underneath her warm and cozy catness. She didn’t move or open her eyes as the sound of her distinct loud purr filled my bedroom.

I felt my spirit rise like the morning sun. My body still had not moved – yet my gratitude was overwhelming me. My true joyful spirit snuck out from me and rejoiced the sunlight coming in through my windows. I felt it in such a way as if I was watching my spirit look out of the window as it noticed the wind suddenly appear to greet the trees. A joyful feeling indeed.

Other than my toes under Grace’s black furry warm body – I had not moved. My memory dialed into two nights ago when I took my first dose of a new medicine. With in a few minutes I broke out in hives. Seriously? Hives?! The moment wasn’t about how the hives with their burning red welts felt on my body. The moment was about taking care of this nuisance. This distraction. Take care of it. Get on it. Get into action. Off to the pharmacy I went…

As much as I do get frustrated. As much as I do feel angry that my body can not do the activities that have always been a part of who I am. My spirit greeted the day rejoicing because finally, finally I know in my heart that I do indeed have many choices. More choices than I ever have been able to realise or see. Choices that I feel. Choices that make each day, each moment, the best choice that I can make in that moment.

I choose to sit down and cry. I choose to feel bummed-out knowing that I am missing yet another event. Missing another dinner party. Missing another play. I choose to feel left out or forgotten. But it is also my choice just how long I allow these things in my heart. How long do I allow this dark visit?

I did not miss out on everything!

I didn’t miss the first day my parents taught me how to swim. I didn’t miss my first boy-girl party. I didn’t miss my first kiss. I didn’t miss cheerleader tryouts. I didn’t miss my first prom. I didn’t miss being in my best friend’s wedding. I didn’t miss watching my son take his first steps. I didn’t miss any of my son’s soccer games. I didn’t miss the plane when I flew to Costa Rica to surf for 10 days. I didn’t miss my son’s high school graduation or his college graduation.

It’s endless.

The choices? Endless.

Today I’m getting a chance to find new best choices for myself as I am finding my way. Learning my capabilities. No matter what, I still can make the best choices in any situation and not miss out on any event that is my best choice. Then, and only then, will I continue to not only be joyful, but I can be victorious as well.

I will always have an opportunity directly in front of me to make my best choice. And then my reward is a heart full of gratitude and a joyful spirit that will rise to meet the sunshine of each and every morning.

How Do I Find Acceptance With My Illness Once More?

Mind, body and spirit . . .

During the time that I had to stop drinking was when I started noticing the importance of the balance with my mind-body-spirit.  Then, the “body” part was obvious and easy. I loved to hop on my bike and ride down to the beach.  Cruising the strand on a cloudy weekday morning was my absolute fave because it was sure to be crowd free.  I let the feeling of the cool damp air cover my body.  Slowing down, but not yet stopping, I’d look out to the ocean, “aah my ocean, there you are, I see you now.”  No matter what level my spirit was resting on – as if it was on auto pilot – it would take off and suddenly be lifted to a higher brighter place.  There it was, the connection to the universe that I spent so much time longing for.

Ah, but the mind. Not so easy. Think. Think. Think. Where’s the answer?  How do I calm my sober mind?! I never knew what anxiety was till I quit drinking! And so many resentments! I allowed them to hang on to me like a sucker-fish hitching a free ride on the side of a whale. Thank God for a little time – a little sober time is helpful as I seek the fine balance in my life.

Alas, things are a little different for me today.  No longer living at the beach. No more bike riding. Unemployment.  Standing by for disability. A city that does not yet quite feel like home. Chronic pain. Fatigue. It is what it is. . .

This morning I wake up after a long painful restless un-sleep. I see the early sun peering in through my east facing windows – my tummy makes sounds like a squeaky door in a haunted house.  Geeze.  That can’t be good.  My mind has started the morning from a place of empty darkness.

Disconnected.  Disappointed.

Here we go again – pain tightening its grip on me with each slow step of the body.  I let out a big sigh full of extreme sadness.  The sudden ringing of my cell phone interrupts my focus on my rusty joints.  Not being fit mentally to put two sentences together – I have no choice but to let it go to voice mail.  I can not think logically.  I can not move gracefully.  My spirit needs to answer the phone.  My brain is full of fog, like a spider web hanging inches above a swamp.

As I stand at the top of my stairs I am still – and as if I’m watching an old home movie – I look down and see all of the things I need to do:

Time to get a move on with my day!  Carefully, painfully I move my arms to hold on to the railing on either side, my hands, stiff, swollen and hurting, looking like they belong on a mannequin in a store window on Main Street.  Perhaps it is too soon to try to go downstairs – however – old habits are hard to break.  I am a manager who needs to grab a cup of coffee, shower, and go open the shop…  One step down. Step together.

I am a single mom who needs to drop her son off at school on the way to work… Two steps down. Step together.

I am a surfer girl who needs to paddle out and play in the ocean… Three steps down. Step together.

Agony pulsating through my body in such a way that it feels I might break. I wait for my body to follow the directions of my brain.  Agonizing endless stabbing pains run down my right arm ending with stabs so real that I look at my hand expecting to see blood.  The pain debilitating from the stabbing.  Seems so odd to me that there is no blood.

I force myself to focus on what is in front of me.  Ever so carefully - one more step together.

With another slight move forward, silently my foot slips out from under me - I land on my ass and my lower back hits the stairs as I awkwardly slide and bump down to the bottom.  I am alone yet I feel embarrassed, mortified, stunned, defeated.

I do not cry.  In fact, I hear nothing. The morning is quite still. The sun, bright.  Grace, my cat, is squinting her sleepy eyes as she starts to do her graceful stretches, like she thinks she is a yoga teacher this morning. As she walks past me she softly rubs along my pain ridden legs as she heads towards the kitchen – where her food and water bowls are.

By this time I’ve pulled myself up as I continue my incredible journey.  I try my best to put the weight of my steps on the out side of my feet where the pains are not quite as horrific.  Once more I forgot to put my thick socks and tennies on. (Now there’s a nice look, jammies and tennies.)  Finally, I lean to the right and make my way to the cozy kitchen.  This time I land my rear-end safely on the cushy bar stool that I had put there in case I need to sit while I’m in the kitchen.

I look down and I’m surprised to see Grace sitting next to her empty bowl.  She is silent.  Big round green eyes looking sweetly and patiently at me.  With a slight tilt of her head, the chubby furry cat waits for me.  She does not impatiently beg for her morning food.  She doesn’t mind.  Is she waiting?  Does she have faith in me?  A cat that does not scream a “meow!” or two at me?  She is in the present moment. Slowly, carefully, I feed her as the sound of her beautiful and extremely loud purr fills the silent morning. The cool cat is fed. My first victory of the day.

Wanting, longing, to sit on my couch, I made my way to the living room.   Carefully, I stretched out on the couch. A much better landing this time. Heaven.  A piece of the mind and body starting to move towards their connection. . .

And what was waiting for me? The beautiful flowers that my dear childhood friend gave me the day before. The aura of the love behind this gift engulfed my defeated spirit.  An overwhelming sence of acceptance covered me in an instant.  I felt my spirit now moving towards the mind and body. . . Somehow, everything was just the way it was supposed to be.  I was brought back to the moment.  My moment. My connection of mind, body, and spirit.

Perhaps I’ll just take my very own special ”sick day” today.  My job today, just as it has been for the past couple years, is to regain my health.  Yep, I’m calling in sick today. I give myself permission to move slow, rest on the couch and focus on the beautiful flowers with the cute black and purple vase that sit in my cozy little home.  The flowers that were given to me by my dear childhood friend.  They were given with the beloved intention of love and hope.  And without love and hope, I have nothing.

My Worst Day - Is Now My Best Day

Reblogged from it's a beautiful life (if you like roller coasters):

It is the beginning of a holiday weekend.  Memorial Day weekend 2010.  A reason to party.  An excuse to drink.  But not any more, not for me anyway.  In the last 22 years, I never woke up in the morning and wished I drank the night before.  I have lived the past 22 years as a sober single mother to my son.  

Read more… 570 more words

It's Memorial Day weekend, May 25th, 2013. The 3 year anniversary of my blog. I felt compelled to share my first post again. (see attached link) I've been reading a lot of my old posts and I am left with mixed up uncomfortable feelings as I revisit the obvious decline in my health and energy level - all before I was finally diagnosed with debilitating fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. Perhaps this is why I haven't been writing as much during the last couple months - my words come out quite dark and bleak. Let me reword that - my writing has been so freakin' depressing that I have not been posting anything new. . . but I will. . . perhaps over the weekend. After all, it is a holiday weekend. The good thing is that I know how lucky I am. I'm incredibly grateful to have a roof over my head and loving friends who check in on me. Bye for now. . .

Forgiveness + Love = My Greatest Resource

I am grateful to no end for the windows that I look out of as I once more collapse in a crash and burn on my couch.  I take a few pictures of what I can see from my horizontal captivity.  I push through the pain in my body like a bull pushes his head through a matador’s angry red cape.  As I blast through the red, I find myself landing in a different place in my tired mind.  Once more I am reflecting on forgiveness.  Which brings me to weigh the love to be found in all of this forgiveness. Matters of the heart can be quite complicated.  I understand that part – but I am not speedy with how I want to go about all this complex getting in touch with my feelings stuff.  Then it  has all these different levels of emotions.  I mean, being the recovering party girl and all, this does not come easily for me.   I am far from being the fast order cook of my emotions.  “How do you want your heart cooked lady?!  Scrambled?  Fried?  Over easy?”  Pause. “Poached?!”  Another pause.  “Lord have mercy if you are one of them picky organic grown and free range types!”

“Hey, don’t rush me man.”  Sheesh. Gimme a damn minute.  I’m not sure what type I am right now. Why don’t cha come back in a week?

Here’s what is on my mind again as I look out the window to the thick green trees. . .  I’ve been divorced from Tyler’s dad for 25 years now – so no need for us to talk any more now that my son is a grown man.  But a couple of months ago my ex-husband sent me an E mail apologizing for something quite hurtful that he said to me around 3 years ago. THREE YEARS AGO. What’s up with that?

But I digress.  It felt like being involved in a bad car accident because someone simply took their eyes off of the road.  I revisited the emotional intersection of the collision with my ex-husband once again:  While my son was going to the local college he wanted to live with his father.  He had been going back and forth, every other weekend to his father’s house his whole life.  So, seemingly, all was just fine.   I went to visit my son at the house – we were all visiting.  And while Tyler left his father and I in the living room for just one second – Yes – he took his eyes off of us for just one second . . .  CRASH!  BAM!

I didn’t see it coming at all.  I was caught quite off guard because his father – out of nowhere - offered information to me that I did not need to know.  Ouch!  Call the paramedics!  Too much information and my emotional air-bag did not deploy.  Ouch!  Offering such hurtful information is somewhere between a twisted confession or just completely standing there while waiting for someone’s face to smash through the windshield.  At first I was kinda numb, in shock.  I gathered myself enough to tell him there was no reason for him to suddenly offer this information to me.  It was unnecessary, hurtful and not ok.  The shocker was that I was calm, so calm, but the hurt so deep that my words came out in a whisper.

He seemed to have forgotten I was no longer the girl he met in a bar and married 8 months later.  I am a mom, a sober mom who made the decision to stay sober and put my son first in my life.  I rose to my feet.  I stood tall.  Slowly I picked up my purse and walked away towards my son’s room to say good bye to him.  What my ex-husband said after that is unimportant.  In my son’s room,  Tyler said that he had heard everything.  My son, who was now a grown man - in college plus working a job - walked up to me and gave me a big ol’ bear hug.  How did he get so dang tall?  So much taller than me now.  He told me I never had to put myself in such a position any more - because he was over 18 now. My son Tyler continued to say some wise, loving and supportive words to me as he walked me to my car.  He told me that I’ve been a great mom his whole life.  He was his usual cool, calm and collected self. He suggested we meet down the street at the coffee shop in 5 minutes.  And I left and that was that with my ex-husband.  Boom.

So here I am looking at this “3 years later” E mail from my ex.  He wrote to me that he wished he never said the words he said to me that day.  He asked “for my forgiveness”.  Oddly and to my surprise, I shed tears of compassion for him as I read it. If you ask me – relationships, marriage, matters of the heart – it can all be so sad sometimes if we are not careful.  Especially if we take our eyes off the road, or worse, if we take our eyes off of God.  And just speaking for myself, forgiveness has always been a tricky one.  However, something profound happened this time.  I felt compassion, but with out searching for it.  I felt it being delivered to me by love –  just like what I heard in church once as I kid when I went with my next door neighbors – God is love.  That information that was ”offered” to me that day from my ex-husband had nothing to do with me as a person.  It was his old stuff, back to haunt him. He was the one that ran that emotional red light that day, and I just happened to be in the way.  And as a result of his own actions, once more he totalled his own heart.

Sure, of course it would not be my choice to be endlessly ill and weary and have this crazy painful Fibromyalgia thing – but through the years of not feeling 100% I have created a simple and uncomplicated life and only surround myself with kind, loving and supportive people.  Other wise, I can feel my energy decline and my health weaken in that moment.  Love fills me up.  Love keeps me motivated even on the days I must rest, stay at home, and look out my window to the world of nature.  Someone who is showing me their negative hurtful spirit is not a fight I hang around for.  I dodge that bullet.  All my energy, even if I only have a very limited supply of it, is spent for me to make the most of what I have and learn who I best can be at this stage of my life.  Using all of my energy to learn how to manage this chronic debilitating pain is energy well spent.

I had forgiven my son’s father long ago – long before he had sent this E mail.  I hope he can forgive himself too – after all it is a miracle he has been sober many years.  I am grateful that my precious son’s father is still sober.  My son deserves that, and more, in his fabulous life with his longtime girlfriend.  And forgiveness is powerful stuff.

Forgiveness is for-giving my freedom back to myself.

And once I am able to do this – the rest is put back in God’s hands – and I continue to focus on what is in front of me.  And life once more can move forward, as it should.

Looking For Blessings

Reblogged from it's a beautiful life (if you like roller coasters):

The only way I will find a blessing is when I first begin to look for a blessing. Just like on every Easter morning when my big brother and I looked for the brightly colored Easter eggs. We did not question that the Easter Bunny hid candy and eggs for us. We knew in our hearts that we were surrounded by our treats and surprises even though we could not see them.

Read more… 492 more words

. . . I've been thinking about the different ways to count and gather blessings. With so much emotional pain and physical pain in the world, I realized I needed a reminder of "Looking For Blessings"! . . .

Simplicity of Hope and the First Day of Spring

It happened again. My favorite flower, the iris, opened on the first day of spring. My special flower of sobriety can still bring me hope.  It’s personal meaning lifts my spirit. And all I need to do is look, see, and notice what is around me and my vision will capture the importance of such simple beauty.

the bud on the day before spring. . .

the next day. It’s the 1st day of spring! My iris is right on time.

10 Things for a Grateful Girl

1) I am grateful for taking 2 naps today.

2) I am grateful for the acupuncture I had today.

3) I am grateful that my definition of a true friend is even more clear in my soul today.

4) I am grateful for the people around me in my community.

5) I am grateful for caring neighbors in my condo complex.

6) I am grateful for every minute in every phone call from my son.

7) I am grateful  that I am learning how to manage living with Fibromyalgia.

8) I am grateful for many years of solid sobriety before I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.

9) I am grateful to be the grateful girl once more.

10) Wearing socks that match your cat is fun.